If I were to Question My Choices
by HteadMai
Summary: Drowning in self inflicted pain, I begged for something else, anything else, and Fate answered. A Drabble through introspective adventure, 'romance', torture and maybe realization


ARGGH! I'm posting something! This ramble has been the must wonderful thing I've ever worked on. BUT! To actually post it, is freaking scary as all hell! This thing will cross many tales, will bramble up way too many peoples work and include what I think is marysue'ish main character and is self implantation/escapism. Oh! and many chapters will be for mature audiences only, 'cause I need practice there and it's fun!

Anyways... Please don"t take this seriously, if you wanna help me with my writing, YES PLEASE! if you wanna help the story, no thank you!

It hurts!

Tears streak down my face soaking my collar, eyes scrunched tight against the tiny glow of the moon.

It Hurts! It's all my fault! Hate, hate, hate, HATE! I messed up, I shouldn't have. I hurt so bad, I was so SO unhappy, and it was all my fault! All _my_ choice. I shouldn't have made such stupid choices, I shouldn't have thought so highly of myself!

I knelt in the grass, grimacing up at the gentle, uncaring sky, crushing under my own responsibilities. I was so so SO unhappy. I had been desperately stupid, optimistic, Foolish!

My teeth clenched so hard the new sob felt like it broke through a cage, and tears gushed. So stupid! I was so stupid! I hate everything I had become, I hated every day, I was constantly drowning in the weight of my own choices. Every little turn I made now, every little attempt to lighten my load or spirit was shot down. And ALL My Fault!

I couldn't even blame anyone else, couldn't easily share the weight. It was my decisions that dug me so deep. My own choice to pull the dirt back atop me.

I hate myself! Almost soundless a scream of pure feeling tore through me twisting my insides all up. The night sky didn't even have a breeze to whisk away the gush of pain, the gentle moon and soft starlight absolutely opposite my tempest feelings. The grass beneath me soft, not even damp.

A perfect evening and utterly unnoticing of me.

Hate, pain, hate! Stupid, foolish,- "Idiot!" With a final burst of actual sound tearing out of me, I opened my eyes, weeping upwards. "Anything! Anything would be better than this!" I begged of the sky. "I'm so, so unhappy. Please! Anything would be better than this!"

No one answered. I knew no one would, it was my fault. My choices. My problem.

I had to go back; the comforting embrace of loneliness, temporary. My freedom to sob, limited. Out here, even in the wide open park, my responsibilities still hung like a weighted noose, tethering me elsewhere. I had to go back.

I had knelt crying so long my lips chapped with each tired inhale, my shirt was soaked through, my knees had cramped into position and my hands hung unused and forlorn at my sides. I had to go back. But I had no energy to rise, no motivation, and no desire to at all. Tears seeped lethargically out under my lashes.

With a deep, deep breath I rose in one motion, and (stumbling a great bit) turned toward home.

I didn't want to.

I really, really didn't want to.

But I had to, My fault, my choices, my problem.

My mind, what 'self' I had left, had built a wall in between me and home. I lowered my head, placing my forehead against my 'wall'. I just breathed in all I could, as much air as I could, as deep as possible, trying to will myself to push through the wall. To go home.

I had to, I knew I had to.

Pain, the crushing pain, the unavoidable, undeniable _weight_ dragged my shoulders down, pulling my head lower. I had to go home.

I had not turned away, I stood staring right at the path home. The windows of my neighbors mocking me with welcoming warmth, the sidewalk; picturesque, inviting.

Had. To. Go. Home!

But home was where my noose led, home was where the pain roosted, home was the soul crushing cage I had built. I didn't want to.

Tears leaked down again, and I begged anew. "Please, anything else, anywhere else, please" My eyes filled and my vision blurred. I had to go home, and it was killing me to know that.

The grass caught me so gently, the stars caressing me with light. I hadn't meant to kneel again, hadn't meant to collapse. But I could pretend someone answered, I could just imagine a voice, like the whisper of the earth's pulse gentling me, consoling me, offering me a way out. A promise of change, maybe not for the better, I didn't need better, just different. Something nice and vague. With adventure in it.

The grass tickled my nose, but the blackness of consciousness lost felt rather nice.


End file.
